


5 Times Clint Barton Regreted Everything Ever and One Time He Didn't

by ModernArt2012



Series: Arrow (Mis)Adventures [1]
Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5 Times..., Aka - Disaster Arrows, Boomerang Arrows, Boomerang Arrows Are A Terrible Idea Clint Why Would You Do This, Clint Barton's Bow & Arrows, Clint Being a Disaster, Clint is a Disaster, Crack-ish, Everything is Clint's fault, Gen, Honestly about the fallout of Clint's poor life choices, Humor, That is not Innuendo, Unless it's Kate's, but only sort of, mention of Science Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-19 00:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3589686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernArt2012/pseuds/ModernArt2012
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint is a Walking Disaster, and the rest of the Avengers are the ones who have to deal with it.</p><p>Aka - Clint made a new arrow and it's great in theory, but sorta has terrible consequences in action. Heavily featuring Clint as a completely walnut. And cameos of Kate being perfect. </p><p>Or, me and lost_in_dark_places fangirled about disaster arrows and a fic was born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Iron Man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lost_in_dark_places](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_in_dark_places/gifts).



> This work heavily draws from the most recent run of Hawkeye comics by Matt Fraction; you should see overlap with the material and characterization. Features a lot of the boomerang arrow - because it actually makes sense when you think about it. An archer without arrows is a poor archer indeed and Clint is terrible at hand -to-hand; and it doesn't leave evidence! Also, you can stealthily knock out villains without causing permanent damage! There are a lot of applications for boomerang arrows, they just get sold short a whole lot, I think. However, this is not a "boomerang arrows are awesome!" fic, this is basically "boomerang arrows are a terrible idea, wth did you make these?!" fic. Hopefully it'll give you a laugh.

Tony isn’t like Cap or Thor or Science Bro Bruce – he doesn’t have a secret-not-secret super power – he has the suit and the suit is awesomer than any of their super powers ( _which incidentally all have super strength as a primary function – are they secretly over compensating? Things to be ruminated at the next shareholder meeting he crashes._ ) The suit, which is awesome, comes handily equipped with JARVIS, who is great a watching his 6 (or whatever Cap says) and neatly side-flying enemy-fire (sometimes literal enemies) and generally keeping him in one piece. That’s important, the whole “one-piece” thing – Pepper would be mad otherwise, and everyone knows a mad Pepper is a scary Pepper and that is to be avoided at all costs. All of this simply means one thing – Tony is not in the habit of paying 100% attention in combat situations. JARVIS automatically corrects course for the dangerous stuff, so it’s not a priority for Tony to devote brain space to keep from being hit. Well, apparently that was a severe miscalculation on his part, ‘cause he’s in the middle of providing cover repulsor blasts when the world goes black.

            Contrary to popular belief, while the suit can take Hulk-page levels of smashing and bashing and still have Tony alive at the end of it, he still gets bumps and bruises just like everyone else. A hard enough hit and Tony will be feeling it for weeks. That being said, he’s never seriously considered arrows to be a serious threat. Any of the Avengers or the Avengers adjacent people, it a distinct possibility that he’s got contingency plans for. But Clint and his arrows – well, maybe the taser arrow, but it’s not a real threat since it’d _maybe_ short out a limb. Or kill him. He’s never tested his suit for insulation against electrocution ( _note to self, put in an order to have the suits tested for electrocution. Stat_ ). Seriously, though, a _Paleolithic_ era stick and string weapon against a modern war machine? Ought to be no contest. Well, apparently not, since Tony _knows_ that particular ceiling tile – they have an intimate relationship, which he really ought to break off since _Pepper_ , and oh God, _Pepper._ She was going to defenestrate him so hard. She was probably here, maybe he should play dead.

            “Tony, I know you’re awake.”

            Damn, plan B. “Pepper, lovely as always. Ah, sorry, I was just contemplating the ceiling. It’s a very nice ceiling you know.”

            “It is a very nice ceiling; you paid for it. How’s your head?”

            He reaches up and presses on the ouch he just noticed. It’s a sizeable bump, spectacular really. Let it not be said that Tony ever did anything in a manner that wasn’t amazing. “Eh, probably fine.” That gained him the Pepper disappointed-in-Tony look (patent pending). He amended, “It hurts, but not in a way that screams permanent brain damage? I still remember the important stuff, like engineering and your birthday. It’s in November, right?”

            Good, the indulgent Pepper look, she's not seriously pissed at him, “Tony, it’s in May. In any case, the doctor’s don’t think you’ll have permanent brain damage.”

            Tony considers with a shrug, then sits up. “So what took me out? Falling piece of edifice? Well placed henchman? Tiny alien invaders?”

            Pepper pats his hand in a placating manner, “One of Clint’s boomerang arrows – “

            “Wait, I’m sorry, I thought you just said ‘boomerang arrow’. That’s probably not right.” He returned to fiddling with the buttons and controls for the hospital bed – they needed a serious upgrade, maybe in Iron Man colors?

            Pepper half smiles at him – she’s mostly happy then, good job Tony. A sad Pepper is an unhappy Pepper and that is to be avoided as much as possible. “Yes, a boomerang arrow. Clint made them, and you got hit in the head with one.”

            Tony swiveled to eye her, “Boomerang arrow.” He considers for a moment, frowning, then brushes past the thought, “Huh. How do they work?”

            Pepper looks away, clearly swallowing a smile, “No idea, but I’m sure Clint will loan you an arrow if you ask nicely.”

            He accepts this with a casual tilt of his head, “Hey, Pep, when can I get out of here? Bruce and Jane made headway on building Rainbow Road before Doctor Doom tried to take out the Upper Eastside, and I wanna be there to make it awesome. Well, awesomer.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

“Oh my God, Clint. You knocked out _Tony Stark_ in the middle of a boss battle.” Kate pinches the bridge of her eyes with her left hand.

“Okay, he sorta flew into the path of the arrow after I had shot it. That’s not something you plan for!”

“ _Tony Stark, Clint_. As in the guy who gives you random upgraded gear for no apparent reason.”

“So it wasn’t my finest hour.” Kate hears a crash and bang, then a happy series of yips. “Aw, dog, no.”

“What would even possess you to make a boomerang arrow, let alone _use one_?”

“Katie-Kate, it’s a boomerang arrow. It’s awesome by default! And it always comes back to you.”

Kate squints at the doorway into the bedroom where Clint is – he’s either completely serious, or he has ulterior motives. Neither bodes well, but she drops it for now since Lucky has what looks to be Clint’s uniform pants and they’re covered in doombot goop. And doombot goop is _an absolute nightmare to get out of fur_.

           


	2. Black Widow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Natasha has a close encounter and Clint has an even closer encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Clint didn't learn the first time.
> 
> Italics are Russian.

The arrow whizzed by her, headed for some point in the squad of Hydra rushing into the docking bay of the warehouse. Nat cusses colorfully in Russian when an explosion goes off much too close to her position as she jumps onto the back of a Hydra goon and proceeds to Widow Bite the base of his neck, legs wrapped around his arms. Then Thor swings his mighty hammer and Hydra go flying everywhere. It’s not like Nat can’t react – she probably could if she’d seen it coming, she is the best the Red Room ever made – but she doesn’t have eyes in the back of her head, and Bites, while effective, tend to mean that where the Bitee goes, so goes Nat. So when her victim gets hit and thrown like a nerd getting tackled by a NFL linebacker, so goes Nat. And thus so Nat goeth right into the return path of one of Clint’s fancy arrows.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Clint is not the smartest Hawkeye (that’s Kate, definitely), but he knows that he is now a dead man walking. He can only pray to the Carnie Gods of Luck and Fortune that she’ll find some mercy in her Russian Winter soul and just maim him a little instead of killing him dead.

 

* * *

 

Kate’s busy doing some Rich People Fancy Dress thing, so he can’t hide behind her and cower in fear (Fact – Nat has a soft spot for Hawkeye the Younger; probably ‘cause it’s Kate and Kate is perfect but more likely ‘cause Kate sedately fangirled and trains with Nat sometimes and has Ladies of the Avengers teas with Nat and Pepper and JaneandDarcy and Betty every so often. Though they could have bonded from the levels of judgement they heap on Clint about his life choices. It’s all possible.) Rich People Fancy Dress things aren’t a real deterrent, though, so Clint texts Kate giving her the heads up to check his apartment for his (possibly) dead body in the morning. And that she’s in charge of giving his eulogy if he is dead and not a little maimed. (The Carnie Gods have a pretty good track record of not letting him get dead, so there’s a good chance he’ll wake up a little maimed.) He doesn’t send the last bit, though; Kate will get the idea.

While he’s on his way home, he passes by the Russian-owned convenience store. The kind Nat swears sells real Russian vodka made exactly like in the Mother Country. The kind that might actually get her drunk and will definitely warm the cockles of her ex-somethingsomething assassin-spy heart in favor of not killing him. He orders 24 cases of the stuff and sends it to her safe-house-for-sending-things-to, and hopes it might possibly appease her wrath. A little. Maybe. Then he goes to his apartment, does maintenance on his gear, then passes out on his couch in the middle of an episode of Dog Cops.

When he wakes up to Lucky licking his face instead of not at all, Clint makes the customary offering of thanks to the Carnie Gods (drinking, the Carnie Gods always approved of drinking in thanksgiving) by adding a generous amount of Bailey’s to his coffee, then resolved to wait a week before deeming himself safe from certain death. Nat was patient but vicious – she’d wait as long as necessary to get even, and she never ever forgot. Clint was very aware that he’d pay for this eventually, but today was not that day.

 

* * *

 

 

 _“Natashen’ka, what are you doing?”_ The tone of the Russian was rough, soft, and amused.

            “ _Yasha, what does it look like I am doing?”_

_“You are dying his clothes pink; but is that not a little – ”_

_“Childish? Yes. Clint is a child, so he will understand this best.”_ Her tone was venomous, but in a pleased manner.

            _“– Overdone. You are better than this Natalia.”_

Natalia appraises him for a moment, considering. _“You are right. I will ensure that all the pizza places will not deliver to his home, then erase all his Dog Cops episodes off his DVR.”_

 _“Much better.”_ Yasha’s smile was proud, pleased at his once-student’s ingenuity. Natasha’s was vindicated and triumphant. “So, Steve swears he found a place in Brooklyn at still does milkshakes like they did in the 40s. Wanna grab one?”

  

* * *

* * *

         

 

Afterward:

            “Clint, you still alive?”

            “Yeah, why?” – “Is Nat on her way here to kill me? It’s been over a week, I’m totally in the clear for slaying!”

            “What? No, there was minor Kree thing in Queens, but there were a few Kree that ended up in other boroughs and knowing you, you’d have ended up in a battle to the death with one before Billy could spell them all home.”

           “Aw, Katie-Kate, no. Are you okay?”

            “Yeah, apparently Queens has a very versatile group of vets making up a neighborhood watch group; they helped out.”

            “Vets? As in Veterans?”

            “No, veterinarians. Apparently they have an entire pneumatic blow dart system with ketamine darts they can set up. And taser darts. But Nat did stop by during clean-up and said that she thanked you for the vodka and expects a new shipment next month.”

            “Aw, no.”

            “What did you do anyways?”

            Clint sags against the kitchen counter, hunching protectively over his coffee, tone mournful. “Boomerang arrow.” He resolutely ignores Kate’s snickers and giggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nat's version of gleeful evil speaks to me on so many levels. So many. Thank you for reading, and I hope you'll return for another chapter. Next up: Thor


	3. Thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint breaks Mjolnir. And Thor.

Thor wasn’t a particular stranger to the unusual or impossible. He is a Prince of Asgard, strange and unexpected happenings showed up or were heard of fairly often in the court, and he himself had dealt with many supposedly impossible happenings in his youth in all manner of realms. He ought to have known better than to think Midgardians were not above achieving the impossible as well.

“Hawkguy,” Man of Iron, Friend Anthony, breathed in barely restrained terror, face fighting to decide an expression, “You killed Hammer Time.”

Thor did not know what that meant, was there a specific Midgardian time for Hammers? What did the Time of Hammers have to do with Mjolnir, and why Mjolnir was unresponsive to his touch or call? He tried to question the Man of Iron, but what came out was decidedly not All-Speak.

His friends and shield mates stared at him was if he was speaking in tongues they did not comprehend. Or as if he had grown a second head. (Both had previously happened to him, back when Loki – it had happened, before, so Thor understood the look.) The Good Captain Steve rubbed the back of his neck like he did when worried – Lady Natasha said he carried his stress in his neck and shoulders, though Thor was not sure why stress was carried externally in Midgard – then said, “So, anyone know Old Norse? Hey Bruce, do you think Dr. Selvig knows Old Norse?”

Friend Bruce, sometimes Friend Hulk (but only when green and enraged), was busy scanning Mjolnir with a device of some sort. Probably something that Friend Anthony had made, to see what could not easily be seen. “No idea, but Mjolnir is not emitting the same wavelength it used to? Or rather, the intensity of the wavelength is lower than it ought to be. The general wavelength is there, it’s just the amplitude is low.” Friend Anthony and Friend Bruce began to speak in Science, but it seemed to be positive Science not unhappy Science like when Lady Jane was dealing with a problem that could not easily be solved.

            Friend Clint still looked ashen and unhappy. It was not his fault, and Thor tried to tell him so, with a friendly pat on the back. Perhaps it was too much force, as Friend Clint ended up sprawled on the floor. Lady Natasha was unamused. “Clint, you definitely deserved that.” Friend Clint did not respond, and when examined was unconscious. Mayhaps they thought he was trying to enact violence upon his shield mate? Thor did not like the idea – he had more honor than a churlish coward who attacked friends for accidents. He would endeavor to tell them of the unintended insult as soon as he was able – they were of Midgard, they did not know Asgardian ways.

            Friend Anthony waved an apple wielding hand at him, “So Big Guy, looks like there is a steady increase in amplitude – Mjolnir should be back online in a few hours, and you can go back to M.C. Hammer-ing it up. We’ll let you assess the damage, ‘cause we …” Here Friend Anthony paused, Friend Bruce groaned and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Can’t touch this! Doo-noo-nanoo ooh-ooh!” Lady Natasha and Friend Bruce seemed to be the only ones who understood the song and dance Friend Anthony was doing. Thor would have to ask Lady Darcy about this, as it seemed related to the “Hammer Time” spoken of earlier. Lady Darcy was very knowledgeable about these “pop culture references”.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Clint woke up in the spare bedroom he kept at Avengers Tower. His face hurt. “Good morning Hawkeye.” Kate thrust coffee with a straw in to under his nose.

            “Hawkeye, you are perfect. I’m keeping you.”

            “One, of course I’m perfect. I’m the best marksman ever. Second, not a dog. You can’t just declare you’re keeping me. Third, Nat said something about you breaking Mjolnir and Thor yesterday.”

            Clint groaned, “I didn’t break them. Unintentionally, momentarily stunned Mjolnir into dysfunction, and sorta knocked out the communications array for Thor while Mjolnir was out. There was no breaking of any kind.”

            “Thor’s still cradling Mjolnir like an infant.”

            “That’s …. That’s not good.”Kate stared at him. “This is my first cup of coffee! I’m allowed to be not-awake and non-functional until after the first cup.”

            “So maybe you ought to think about retiring the boomerang arrow? This is three out of six Avengers – unless you want the whole set?”

            “Kate-and-Barrel, shhhh. First of cup of coffee. Think later. Carnie Gods demand it be so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is Thor's misadventure on the wrong end of a boomerang arrow - though this time was in the practice gym in Avengers Tower. Personal headcannon is that Mjolnir has a sort of "soul" by which to assess the worth of the person who holds it. It also helps Thor speak All-Speak, which is why Thor couldn't communicate in anything but Asgardian, which is similiar to Old Norse.   
>  After this incident, Pepper banned the use of boomerang arrows in the Tower. Tony felt vindicated that he finally got to break out the M.C. Hammer.


	4. Hulk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce, half of Manhattan and everyone has inappropriate responses to the Other Guy rampaging. 
> 
> Billy and Teddy make cameos. Well, Teddy makes a cameo, Billy gets words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the structure is odd - the Other Guy is influencing how Bruce perceives the way the others are talking; its more colons dividing action and words rather than actual sentences combining the two. It carried over well for the way the comms worked, so that's the second part of the chapter. 
> 
> Oh, and trigger warning: references to brainwashing, and rape/attempted rape and/or rapists. The latter is both in reference to a character backstory and certain individuals in a certain area, but is not mentioned explicitly.

* * *

Things Dr. Bruce Banner Knows (a list):

  1.       Gamma Radiation
  2.       How to Manage the Other Guy
  3.       How to Manage Tony Stark/ How to Ignore Tony Stark
  4.       Steve Rogers has the uncanny ability to find ex-somethingsomething assassins and ex-military and make them Trustworthy, no matter how brainwashed they once were or possibly still are/ how much PTSD they have
  5.       Clint Barton is a Human Disaster



The last one’s a recent addition to the list, but effectively jumped to the Top 5 due to Absolute Importance.

Case in point: “I’m green.”

            Tony, crowing from the fake mini-fridge installed under his desk: “If you were blue you would die!” Surfaces long enough to frown pensively. “Wait, that’s not right.” Then returns to the possibly-a-tribble-maybe-an-overgrown-space-rabbit-shhh-don’t-tell-Pepper thing he’s been hiding in the fake mini-fridge.

            Steve glared: “Tony, this is not the time.” The Other Guy didn’t bother with emotions and intonation most of the time. It was choppy; action, then words.

            Kate declares from the doorway to the lab: “Clint, you are a futzing walnut.”

            Nat’s more circumspect: “Are you at all feeling … enraged?”

            Thor, though, Thor went: “This, my friends, is very strange.”

Great, even Not-the-Strangest-Thing-I’ve-Seen-I’m-A-Prince-of-Asgard Thor is currently discombobulated by the strangeness.

            Bucky, ever the practical one: “Are you more Other Guy or more Dr. Banner?” A short conference with Nat in Russian. “You look more like a green Dr. Banner.” Thank you, you ex-brainwashed assassin, for declaring that. Everyone here has fully functioning bodies, they can see for themselves. (Well, for the most part - technically Tony has "a heart condition" and Clint's deaf.)

            Tony, lighting up like a happy puppy: “Dr. Bruce “Green Guy” Banner! JARVIS, get to printing new cards for Science Bro? Thanks.” Apparently he’s decided that spelunking is a good hobby to take up, digging through the pile of 'things with parts that can be recycled': “Ah ha! Found it!” Apparently ‘it’ is a scanner that looked like it came out of Star Trek.

            Cap: “Bruce, do you think you can reverse the effect, go full Dr. Banner or full Other Guy?”

            No, he was sort of …stuck? Like… a dolphin brain! Half him, half Other Guy, but the other Guy half was asleep.

            Nat: “So, what happens if you go to sleep?” Great, thank you, ever practical Nat. Everyone’s gonna … yup, silence.

            Kate: “Well, everybody pack up, we’re going wilderness camping.” She clapped her hands. “Chop chop, let’s get this over with.”

            Clint: “Aw, Kate, no.”           

            Kate: “So you want to leave the Other Guy in Manhattan? You’re all nuts.”

Clint: “The Other Guy is our friend. Even if they are dangerous, you don’t leave friends in the wilderness just because they might kill us. Look at Steve! He keeps Bucky even though Bucky might be really really deeply programed to slit his throat one night.”

Steve: “Don’t talk about Bucky like that! He wouldn’t do that!”

Bucky shrugs it off: “He’s got a point.”

Steve: “No, Bucky….” He turned up his sad All-American look, Bucky didn’t cave.

Kate sighed: “Fine, I’m gonna call up Billy and Teddy. At least we’ll have back-up for the inevitable pecan cluster this is gonna turn into.”

Nat: “How do you think the Other Guy will respond to fetch?”

Tony, indignant: “Science Bro and his Rage Monster alter-ego are not a dog!”

Nat ignores Tony like everyone else: “Or Central Park?”

Cap: “We can’t let the Other Guy loose in Central Park! There are people there!”

Nat: “Bruce is diurnal. That means come nightfall, Bruce is going to get sleepy and then we have an Other Guy situation.” Beat. “Besides, only really bad guys are in Central Park at night.”

Kate covered her cell phone: “I second Central Park!”

He had to interject. “Um, I don’t want to hurt people.”

Nat: “Well, it’s a possibility. So far only me and Kate are coming up with ideas.”

Tony, looking up from scanning his (left, very green) armpit: “We could test the latest Hulk Buster suit?” Bruce wasn’t going to hold it against Tony, but he sounded too damn hopeful.

Thor: “I have missed wrestling with Friend Hulk. He is very good at it. Reminds me of my childhood brawls.”

Clint, squinting at him from on top of the storage cabinet and fiddling with the fletching on the boomerang arrow: “Maybe if I hit him on the other side of the neck…?”

Bucky: “I know 36 – no, 37 – compounds that can be made with various household items that will put the Other Guy down for a while.” Everyone stares. “It’s a option.”

Cap, massaging the bridge of his nose (Bruce sympathized, he needed a lot of orbital massages since beginning to work with Tony). “All of you, no. Bruce, do you feel up to meditation and yoga? If that’s what you do to keep the Other Guy calm, maybe it’ll reverse this.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Kate, from somewhere on Lafayette: “Hawkeye, Wiccan wants me to tell you that you are, and I quote, ‘A futzing awful human being and that you need to seriously reconsider all your life choices.”

Clint, loosing an phosphorus arrow from on top of an apartment building (fact, the Other Guy hated bright lights): “Katie-Kate, comms are for important communications, not relaying Billy’s complaints.”

Kate: “Wiccan’s complaints _are_ important communications. And we’re in the field, its code names!”

Tony, from somewhere by Grand: “I wholeheartedly concur.”

Billy, chipper: “See, Iron Man thinks I’m right! Thank you Iron Man!” ("Oh, my God Teddy, do you think I could get his autograph?")

Tony: “With the complaint, not that the kid’s complaint was important.”

(Billy: “ - Hey!”)

Tony: “By the way, my fine feathered friend, why are your boomerang arrows resonating with objects? And how do they work? They are actually physically impossible – I checked.”

Cap: “Not the time, Tony.”

Tony: “Hey! Baby Hawkeye is right, we’re in the field, _code names._ ”

Cap: “You announced to _the world_ that you are Iron Man. _Everyone_ knows you’re Iron Man. There is _actually no point_ to using your codename!”

Tony: “Fine. Get snippy. But it is actually Clint’s fault that Hulk has Hulk-paged through the lower half of Manhattan! And he broke Mjolnir last month!”

Clint: “Mjolnir did not break! It was momentarily stunned.”

Tony: “Keep telling yourself that. In any case, the boomerang arrow, which is Clint’s and I repeat _physically impossible Clint has broken the very laws of the universe_ , is involved and possibly a Weapon of Mass Destruction. I’d know, I used to build them.”

Kate, snickering: “I thought comms were for ‘important communications’.”

Nat: “Not the time boys; you can compare weapons later.”

(Kate, Teddy, and Billy try to muffle their snickering.)

(Thor, in the background, laughing: “Good move my friend! You almost had me!” More crashes and dust rise from somewhere near Chinatown.)

Kate, exhaling loudly on the release: “I’d like to state for the record, next time, _wilderness_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It takes Tony 30 seconds to get it, Clint 5 minutes, and Cap 8.
> 
> Clint: Breaking the Laws of the Universe, and giving the scientists heart palpitations because someone has broken the laws of the universe and what calamity shall befall us next. (Let's be real - it's Clint. He's a Walking Disaster. The Calamity shall befall him, and the Carnie Gods shall laugh.)
> 
> Next up: Steve Rogers, the First Avenger. Who is incidentally so done with everything. Especially Tony, and sometimes Clint.


	5. Captain America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain America meets himself. Sort of. Possibly. Alternate Universe and Time Travel happen, at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to lost_in_dark_places for helping me get back on the humor track instead of the feels track. This could have so easily gone very dark and very sad very quickly.

Steve isn’t the sharpest Avenger to ever be hero in the mightiest way known on Earth. But he could follow along when the Science Bros (Tony, Bruce, and Jane – apparently it’d still be Bros even though Jane is female, Latin rules and stuff) and Darcy explained the perils of time travel after Kate and Nat decided that he and Bucky needed to see _Back to the Future_ (the whole series). So when, after a totally innocent action, he found himself falling onto _himself_ in the middle of a very French forest and a military encampment, Steve did not panic. He is _Captain freakin’ America_ , keeping calm in a crisis is part of his Modus Operandi. (Okay, _yes_ , he’s showing off, but he took _years_ of Latin and Tony’s fancy pants Latin learning doesn’t hold a candle to learning Latin from nuns.)

            Then he looks up and it’s Peggy. Peggy with a pistol in his face, and the rest of the Commandos following suit (and _Bucky got out the flamethrower, Bucky, put away the flamethrower Howard said it was still experimental and it could in fact blow us all up_ ). He doesn’t exactly remember anything after that.

           

* * *

* * *

 

 

            Steve wakes up under industrial constraints, hung between several trees, and no less than 7 snipers sighting on vital parts of his body. Which is obvious overkill, but he’s glad they’re being cautious – it means they’ll survive (well, he knows they all survive, but as Darcy likes to say – possibly quote – “Constant vigilance!” It’s the best advice he got too late.) Then he has a realization. He doesn’t remember getting landed on by a look alike. That can only mean one of two things: 1) he was knocked unconscious until the end of this adventure and nobody ever spoke of it again, or 2) this is an alternate reality and he might have just signed everyone’s death warrants. He’s desperately praying for the former when Not-him Steve walks into view.

            So this is an Alternate Universe. Well, dang. ( _Does this mean he can tell them what will happen without destroying the very fabric of the universe? Should he tell them?)_

            Alternate Universe Steve, however, seems to be much more trusting than the rest of the Howling Commandos, “Come on, guys, Howard says that there’s no way that Hydra has the ability to make a clone, let him down!”

            Praise be that they comply. He didn’t want to bust out by himself. He reaches the ground, “Thank you, Captain.”

            Alternate Universe him eyes him, “So you know enough about the possibility of ripping a hole in the Space-Time Continuum to not touch me. Good to know.”

            He scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, “Something like that. So, since you’ve established that I’m not a clone, and possibly time traveling, any chance you can let me go? I’ve got to figure out how to get home after all.”

            Peggy, strolling casually through the forest like she’s the Queen, “Sorry, sir, that’s not possible. We’re currently far behind enemy lines and cannot guarantee your safety if you leave us.” Though she was still cocking her pistol, so he was definitely under threat of death if he tried anything funny.

            He finds himself wilting, “Oh. Okay. Am I under military arrest, ma’am?” Respect had won points with Peggy before.

            Her eyes were the same as the time she shot him in the bunker, not good news, “Since we have no military record of you, no. Or any record of your existence. But rest assured, the Howling Commandos will keep an eye on you.” The implied threat was very clear.

            *Avengers Assemble!* His phone went off, the ringtone distinctive - the cartoon version of himself calling the Avengers to , well, assemble. Well, thank God Tony had the world’s best timing. Guns began to point around, but Peggy’s came up and pointed right in his face. Bucky followed suit with one of the sniper rifles, except at close range. Good to know they only trusted him only so far. ( _“Constant vigilance!”)_

            Steve threw his hands up, the universally understood gesture for surrender. Alternate Universe Steve investigated his Stark Phone. Or was until a vaguely familiar fist punched a portal open less than a foot away from him. Then the guns began to resight on the portal, and what came out of the portal.

 

* * *

 

 

            Generally, when they used portals, America would go first, just to double check. When America didn’t poke her head out, Steve’s stomach dropped. This was going to go badly, he could tell.

            Bucky, in Winter Soldier gear stepped out, gun up and the safety off. Then came Nat, pistols out. Steve covered his face with his hand – they sent the best assassins in the world on what most likely counted on a date. (Steve knew they regularly overthrew corrupt governments for fun when they went out. This was probably just work with a side of dating, and they’d go home and share a milkshake and clean their armory. The apartment would smell of gun oil for ages after.) Winter Solider stared in blatant shock at Sergent Bucky, but neither of them dropped their gun (right, this was probably after that time outside Paris, then). Then the Winter Soldier flipped the safety on, and declared, “Dammit, Steve, how the hell did you end up _time traveling_.” The absolute incredulity dripped off his words.

            Steve groaned, “Bucky, _alternate universe._ I did not _time travel_. There’s a difference.” Bucky and Nat looked at him as if he were absolutely insane. “Okay, fine, we’re back in World War II, but I’m pretty sure –“

            Then Agent Sharon stepped out of the portal, closely followed by America and Kate.

            America was ecstatic, “Cool! Time travel!” Kate merely plucked her bowstring as she stared at the sniper nests, but she was grinning so it was probably-maybe a good thing.

            Sharon went, “Aunt Peggy?!”

            Steve wanted to take his shield and bash his head into it several times. Until he got amnesia, at least. Alas, Alternate Universe Steve would be concerned with someone using his shield like that.

            Peggy at least took it in stride, “Aunt Peggy? You do look somewhat like me. I suppose this is your Steve Rogers then.”

            Sharon holstered her gun, with the look on her face that said she understood everything and was going to Fix It (and/ or prevent terrible things from happening). “Yes, Aunt Peggy. This is Steve Grant Rogers, junior.” And now they were lying. This is a bad idea, a terrible, terrible idea. This was not how a person Fixes It. He couldn’t lie for a fig, they’d all be caught and then they’d be executed as spies and the Universe would explode.

            And now Alternate Universe Steve looked like someone had taken a brick to his skull, “Junior?”

            Sergent Bucky also looked a little dumbfounded, “Junior?” Actually, all the Commandos looked like they had been struck dumb.

            The Winter Soldier spoke, thankfully in English – he had a bad tendency to fall into Russian in the field, “We prefer the Second.” And now Sharon was teaching Bucky bad habits along with giving him guns to use. Steve felt like he needed more therapy than Bucky at this point.

            Sergent Bucky stared at the Solider, obviously connecting the dots. Nat intervened before someone had a pulmonary embolism, “ _Yasha_ , be nice to your father.” It didn’t help much. She and Kate had somehow gotten themselves into one of the sniper nests and were doing something (probably something very concerning. Nat and any Hawkeye plus sniper nests were a deadly combination and liable to end badly for someone.)

            A Howling Commando, Falsworth by the voice, asked, “Wait, if you’re all from the future, then you can tell us how things go! What to do!” Jim Morita and Dum Dum were seemingly more concerned about the ladies in the tree. (Steve was conflicted about which group he should be more concerned about. The old snipers nests were rickety, especially the ones they put up at camp, but Nat and Kate could more than hold their own in a situation.)

            Peggy looked alarmed, “That could erase them from existence!” Jones also looked concerned, but it might have been the short shorts America was wearing. 

            America snorted, from where she was … getting Alternate Universe Steve’s _autograph_? (It looked like an autograph book.) “I think we have bigger problems than that; how did any of us manage to be conceived, let alone born. I mean _fondue_?” Both the Steve’s had the grace to look embarrassed. Everyone else was confused.

             ( _Jones, in a hushed whisper, “Isn’t that the cheese and bread thing we had in Paris?”_

            _Dernier, “I think so. Did the girl use it as a double entendre?”_

_Dum Dum interjected, “Is it a double entendre that we never knew about? ‘Cause, lads, we all shared fondue, then talked about how good it was with those French ladies and they were all rather amused.”_

_Morita in his ever pragmatic manner, “This explains a lot.”_ )

            Tony, in ever excellent timing, poked his head through the portal, “So, ladies and gentlemen. We have conclusively determined that Stark phones work across Universes, and did someone say fondue. Man, fondue is amazing, but not as good as shwarma.”

            ( _“Is shwarma another double entendre?” Jones. Jones was a good man, but too curious for anyone’s good._

_“What is shwarma?” Morita, again. Steve prayed they’d be diverted. No luck._

_“I don’t know, but I want to try it!”_

_“Dernier!” A scandalized whisper._

_“What, I’m French, we are accepting of these things. Even invented all sorts of them.’_

_“Look, we’ll investigate this ‘schwarma’ after we beat Hydra, okay?” Morita, thank god._

_“Jones is coming with me. We do not know what sort of thing this ‘schwarma’ is, after all.”_

_“Dernier!”Even more scandalized. Jones just shrugged.)_

            Tony stared at the cluster of men, “You know we can hear you right?” They looked guilty. Tony continued, “In any case, things you guys should know – Hydra isn’t beat even when you think they are, don’t trust anyone who was once Hydra, they’ll only rebuild Hydra and everything will go sideways. Also, after Howard meets a lady named Maria, and gets married, put all your money on their kid being named Arno. You’ll make millions. Now, everybody from this side the Universe, come home, I think Clint broke himself.”

            Kate, from where she was crouched in a snipers nest _with a hawk on her head where the heck did the hawk come from_ , groaned, “Aw, Hawkeye, no.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

            Nat cuddled her ill-gotten cat, "Who's a foolish Hawkeye? Clint is, yes he is."

            Kate stared at Nat, then returned to stroking her ill-gotten hawk. "I'm not sure whom you're cooing at. Isn't that right Hawkling? Yes it is."

            Nat looked affronted, "I'm cooing at Clint. And I have named the cat. The cat is Dammit. I shall train him to be the best assassin-cat to ever be a cat-assassin."

            Clint groaned from where he was stuck in the floor, the top half of his body facing them as his legs dangling through the floor and into the ceiling of the next level. "Is this why Tony is having JARVIS fabricate _cat_ body armor? And a tactical vest? With laser guided guns?"

           Nat nodded happily, "Yes. _Yasha_ is helping. He is very excited to be building weapons again. He apparently used to do such things in the War, and going back reminded him of how much fun he had while doing it."

           America ate another spoonful of Ben and Jerry's, "How did the whole time and space travel thing happen anyways?"

          Clint sighed, "Steve flicked a boomerang arrow." Then he wriggled, "Dammit Tony, _my legs are not pinatas! Or targets for target practice."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next - Hawkeye


	6. Hawkeye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And thus we reach our conclusion with Hawkeye (and Hawkeye).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! I'm sort of sad to see this go, but also highly amused....

There is one thing Clint knows better than how to shoot a bow and that thing is creating arrows. He’s forged them, stolen them, poured them, printed ones, taken out his own hearing with one, created ones that are Complete Physical Anomalies and Actually are Impossible According to Science. You can point to any of his arrows and he can detail how it’s made with all the aplomb of a true _artisté_. Point is, Clint knows how to make projectiles out of just about anything.

            He has favorites. The Boomerang Arrow is a personal best and no, he doesn’t care that is actually can work as a portal to other universes, or any of the other stuff it’s managed to do so far. That just makes it cooler! Anything could happen if you’re hit! (It’s like a magician’s top hat – you just don’t know what’ll come out next!) Thing is, Clint’s been in one too many scrapes with no arrows left to discount the one in his quiver that’ll always return. It’s like Old Faithful, steadfast and true, but with a side of LSD tripping octopi coming out every time it goes off.

           

            That wasn’t his analogy, it was that Peter Parker kid’s.

 

            So, yeah, he likes his arrow. It’s his. No one else in the world can use it.

 

            Except Kate, But Kate is also Hawkeye, so it’s really just an extension of his Avenger/ Super hero family tree that is using the boomerang arrow. Sort of? Like, Kate’s his Hawkeye descendant/ heir apparent – if he ever goes down, she’s the Avenger Hawkeye forevermore, but she is also Hawkeye presently, so she’s Hawkeye the female who will replace Hawkeye the male when he retires but is also Hawkeye presently so try not to get too confused, wait, whoops, too late. (Also Except Nat, but Nat is Nat and she will sic Dammit on him and he does not want to wake up to a face full of gleefully evil Russian cat. Their fur is long and sticks to everything. Or wind up with a pink costume again. Janet will actually kill him this time. Or miss episodes of Dog Cops because that's just wrong.)

            Digressing. No one but a Hawkeye may use the boomerang arrow. So mote it be.

 

* * *

 

 

            Thing is, Clint forgot that the Carnie Gods of Luck and Fortune are only ever moderately appeased by his life. (They are Gods, no matter what Thor claims, Thor is a lying liar who _lies_.) And that Murphy’s Law was basically their contribution to the universe. Because, see, here’s the thing. Only a Hawkeye is allowed to use the boomerang arrow. And there are only two Hawkeyes. So when a _second_ boomerang arrow flies out of the Bed Stuy night to take out a squad of Tracksuit Dracula (Draculae? Dracule? What’s the plural of ‘dracula’?) and goons courtesy of Madam Masque, and is on a crash course with his boomerang arrow, the only thing that runs through his mind is, “Aw, Hawkeye, _no._ ” (Runner up is, “Huh, really should have seen that coming,” but his hindsight is pretty damn 100/20 because _he’s Hawkeye_. Third is “This is gonna be a _really_ big explosion.”)

 

* * *

 

            He knows one other thing about as well as he knows arrows and that thing is explosions. Big ones, small ones, whooshing fire tower ones that go up for miles, soundless ones, gas explosions, hell, he’s even had his fair share of nuclear explosions. You name it, he’s exploded it or experienced the explosion caused by it or both. He might not have precisely heard all the exploding-ing going on at the time, but by Jove he felt it. This time it was like a cool breeze (explosion first) with typhoon level strength that managed to take out everything in the vicinity that was not him on the energy out push from the collision point, but that sucked and sucked towards where the two arrows had collided in midflight (midshot? Someone really should have created technical names for these things) after a few seconds. Sort of like a movie of an atomic bomb going off - everything went out in a flash, then sucked back in even faster. He couldn’t really see much, because _typhoon level winds_ , but it was over quickly with a little _poof_. And by over he means over. All of the Tracksuit Dracula and Madam Masque’s goons were just gone. _Poof_. _Gone._

            Kate stalks out of the night in Hawkeye purple (Tony somehow got a trademark on the color, so he and Kate are making bank every time it’s used on anything ever) pants and a lavender top, arrow notched and bow at the ready _because his Katie-Kate is growing up, coming into her own as Hawkeye and owning that Hawkeye’s have worse luck than just having enemies go ‘poof’._ (He doesn’t suppress a sniffle. He doesn’t. But if he did then it was a _manly sniffle of pride and manliness_.) The street doesn’t look too much a mess – no more than usual, from a cursory glance. By unspoken Hawkeye Intuition, they both sweep up and down the street and find nothing. Over a 100 goons, all gone. Like Lucky left alone with a slice of pizza.

            He casts Kate a glance, “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

            Kate, from where she was sizing up the shadows in an alley, “I think so? Did all the Tracksuit Dracula go poof?”

            Clint mused, “Is it ‘dracula’ or ‘draculae’? See, cause ‘dracule’ doesn’t sound right, but neither does ‘dracula’ for the plural. Which would mean ‘draculae’, but that doesn’t sound right either?” He kept Kate covered, because while Kate was perfect Kate was also a Hawkeye and Hawkeye’s were basically Murphy’s Punching Bag.

            Tony’s voice broke in, “Are you guys keeping up battle banter when _there is no battle_.” Tony sounded good incredulous.

            Hawkeyes both turned to see the Avengers and Young Avengers assembled on the sidewalk. Kate eyed them speculatively, “How long have you been there?”

            Tommy popped his head out of Clint’s apartment window for long enough to call, “We came after the Arrow Alarm went off.”

            Steve elaborated, “Had a little trouble with the wind storm. Sorry we're late.” (They had brought Bucky, too; did Steve not know he kept setting up dates for him and Nat? Things to ponder next time he's wriggling through Tony's air ducts.) 

            Tony, having press ganged Cassie and Bruce to Science and scan everything that could possibly be scanned, “The localized windstorm that disturbed nothing really was a red flag that something had gone Terribly Horribly Wrong and that the Arrow of Physical Impossibility was Involved.”

            Clint and Kate just squinted at their respective teams. Then in remarkable unison, “Arrow Alarm?” Ah, the good old Hawkeye Frequency of Possible Telepathy. Glad to know that it still worked.

            Thor nodded, from where he was cuddling kid Loki (kid Loki did not seem to appreciate it at all, but had resigned himself to being hugged into submission from the way he was dangling limply from Thor’s embrace), “Friend Tony and Friend Bruce set up an alarm within your quivers to let us know if you or Lady Hawkeye ever used the arrow of boomerang. It seems most valuable as adventures follow that are often difficult to manage alone.”

            Billy snickered from where he was floating/perched on Teddy’s shoulder, “Basically you guys and that arrow are a terrible idea and we set up a tracking monitor to keep you guys out of trouble.”

            Kate scoffed, “Hey, just because Clint is a walnut doesn’t mean I automatically get roped into his misadventures.” The incredulous stares her team sent her begged to differ. “Besides, there was no disaster this time. Crisis averted, actually.”

            Nat stilled from where she was checking a decrepit junker missing its wheels and hubcaps for bombs on the undercarriage, “What do you mean ‘crisis averted’.”

            Clint tried to inch away. Nat not inflecting questions usually meant Bad Things. “We were in the middle of a scrape, two arrows collided, *poof* no scrape.” He emphasized the ‘poof’ with the hands, fists curling then uncurling to indicate the “poof”ing that had occurred.

            Tony stopped mid scan-wave, “Two arrows collided? And things went poof? Really? You might have actually created a wormhole with those things! Science Bro, Shortstack, in the famous words of Disney’s best evil scientist, TO THE LAB!” He practically dashed down the street back to where he’d left his suit parked; Bruce sedately, if resigned-edly followed while gently herding Cassie with reassurances that no, Tony Stark was not in fact crazy and that yes, she was apparently Shortstack.

            America watched the trio disappear into the vehicle Bruce drove (suit stuffed into the trunk) “ _Chica_ , how concerned should we be over that?”

            Kate frowned as well, “Probably a little. We should probably set a reminder to get someone to fetch them out of the lab in time for curfew.”

            America, sagaciously, “Ah. Well, if the crisis has been averted, I say we all go home.”

            Clint frowned, suddenly, “Hey, wait, has anyone seen where the arrows went?”

            Kate stared at where they had collided in midair, then the areas around where they had shot from. “Huh. They’re not there.”

            Clint sighed, “Katie-Kate, I think they got sucked in.”

            Kate was quick, because Hawkeye Intuition, “We sent two boomerang arrows through a wormhole.”

            Clint nodded, “My last two. Guess we’ll just have to make some more – “

            All the assembled Avengers practically screamed in unison, “NO!”

            Both Hawkeyes were taken aback. Steve was the one who spoke, “Look guys, your boomerang arrows are great, but they cause a little too much havoc to be “field safe”.” He even did the finger quotes. “Really, it’d be much better for everyone if you guys just didn’t use them anymore, okay?” Everyone else nodded.

            Kate looked around, “Is this an Intervention?”         

            Clint gaped, “It is! They staged an impromptu Intervention!” They shared a look. “Fine, no more boomerang arrows when it compromises anyone elses' safety in the field.”

            Everyone suddenly sagged in relief. Certain individuals even looked like they had found God.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Clint closed and locked the door to his apartment, then waited a few beats. The defeated air that had clung to him since his forced acquiescence vanished quickly. “Okay, Katie-Kate, bring out the tools! We’ve got arrows make!”

            Kate paused from where she was helping herself to a fresh (for given values of fresh) mug of coffee, “Clint, we promised not to use them anymore.”

            And now he was a little disappointed, “Kate, we, rather _I_ , promised not to use them where they would compromise others’ safety in the field. Meaning, if you or I use them when they won’t, no problem!” Ah, the trickery that was so deeply ingrained in his soul as a Carnie and field agent. He was actually surprised Nat didn’t catch his word play.

            Kate sipped pensively from her mug, “That’s actually genius Clint.”

            Clint smirked, “And now that we have established me as the superior Hawkeye, it is time, my young padawan, for me to impart the secrets of making a boomerang arrow unto you.” Hawkling screeched at just the right moment, punctuating the statement with his ringing hawk call, though whether it was in protest or agreement couldn't be determined. (For all that they are called Hawkeye, they cannot actually commune with hawks. Bit of a let down, but what can you do?)

            Kate propped her hip against the counter, mug left steaming as she picked up her bow, “Superior Hawkeye? Care to back that claim up, Hawkeye?”

            Clint grabbed his bow and quiver, grinning madly, "You're on Hawkeye."

 

 

           As they left the apartment, Kate suddenly turned and said, "You know what would be a cool arrow? _A flamethrower arrow._ _"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus we end on the brink of another misadventure, this time courtesy of Hawkeye. Somewhere in the Universe, the Carnie Gods made fresh popcorn and settled in to watch.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking around and reading, it really means a lot that you guys have read this and hopefully enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. (Considering that you just read 6 chapters, I reallllly hope you enjoyed it). Thanks for all the kudos and commenters, because they really made writing this so much fun.
> 
> If you'd like to see the pets of the Avengers have their own misadventures in this verse, please leave a comment below. I'd debating if I should write it or not, but knowing that there's some interest will definitely help me decide. Furryvengers, ya'll, yay or nay?
> 
> Also, lost_in_dark_places: without you this would have remained a little plot bunny. Thanks especially for that.


End file.
